Conscious Pleasures

The Essence of Being Human: Gender Fluidity and the Quest for Spiritual Growth

Many years ago, I wrote this in my personal journal to help me understand and deal with my gender, genderfluidity, and dysphoria related issues. This post is about how being genderfluid has helped me navigate life, form deep, meaningful friendships and relationships that have stood the test of time from a space of vulnerability, care, and love, and overall, grow spiritually as well. This post may sound like a little rambling, but I do hope that you would enjoy reading this nonetheless and resonate with it, especially if you are genderfluid like me.

When I was in my early twenties, one of my friends gifted me a Photo Journal by Rebecca Swan – Assume Nothing. There was a picture of a person with the caption, “I was born a boy. Some days I’m a boy. Some days, a girl. Some days I am both, and other days I am nothing. As I read this, tears welled up in my eyes; I had finally found the words to express how I had felt my entire life.

I have vivid memories of my childhood. Like any other boys in my neighborhood, I used to love climbing trees, playing sports like cricket, hockey, soccer, and running around as if I was on steroids, and countless other adventures, leaving me with numerous scars as mementos. Yet, on those same days, I would effortlessly slip into my softer side, soaking in the beauty of my femininity, putting on makeup, spending hours in front of the mirror, reveling in my femininity. Sometimes I would put on my sister’s clothes. When my sister eventually found out this little secret of mine, she was excited and would help me dress up, eventually her friends too followed suit, making it our pastime activity. Recently, during a video call, my sister casually mentioned how they all thought I would turn out to be a girl.

My closest friends have always been girls. Even today, 95% of my friends are girls or people with a lot of feminine energy. This fluidity has been my reality, both then and now – neither here nor there, but everywhere – and I love every minute of it.

I’ve always been curious about how my being genderfluid affects my relationships, friendships, ideas that I come up with at work, and even my spiritual journey. Even as a child, I questioned who am I beyond my “assigned” male gender. Why did I feel the way I did? As a teenager, I couldn’t understand why I was experiencing PMS-like symptoms, (IMS – Irritable Male Syndrome – this is actually a thing by the way!) which I still do. Were they just my imagination, or were they real?

I’ve often wondered how gender influences spiritual growth, if at all. Does being rigidly stuck in to the role of a male or female (as in gender binary) prevent us from living our life fully? I had a lot of questions about my gender and the genderfluidity I’d always felt, primarily to better understand myself and finally feel comfortable in my own body. Looking back and connecting all the dots, I realise how highly sensitive (HSP) I have always been; it was innate, and I felt things, people, and everything around me deeply, so I guess, it was only natural for me to be very tuned into spirituality since I was a child. That’s where I found the answers to my never-ending questions.

Understanding Gender, Sexuality and Spirituality

I’ve always believed that the notion that men and women are fundamentally different and should behave accordingly is founded on misconceptions and the inherent nature of patriarchy, and should hold no value in today’s society.

As you may already know, the terms “gender” and “sex” are not synonymous, they are distinct from each other; gender is a social construct, whereas sex refers to the biological traits. Gender is a set of characteristics that society considers masculine or feminine, though not accurate, whereas sex refers to biological distinctions such as chromosomes, hormone profiles, sex organs, and so on. The idea of gender being binary – either this or that – is inherently flawed, has always been, because there are numerous genders beyond these binaries.

Anyway, I have often wondered: can we consciously move beyond our “assigned” gender identities and reach a “spiritual gender-crossing”? I believe we can, and must! Perhaps I was influenced by growing up in a Hindu household in a remote village in India, where temples were adorned with beautiful images of gods and goddesses in various forms. In my view, such a “spiritual gender-crossing” is always possible and has indeed been practiced by many for spiritual reasons, especially in Hinduism for centuries. For me, this gender-crossing broadens my perspective on my existence and allows me to see this beautiful world with new eyes and greater awareness.

While it is believed that those with feminine qualities are superior due to their innate spiritual sensibilities and openness, acting as more receptive channelers, I think it is important for us to embrace our opposite energies – feminine or masculine, the yin and yang – to help balance our own “assigned or identified” gender. This balance leads us to experience “the sacred androgyny.” This is most likely why the majority of our gods and goddesses in eastern cultures are androgynous, as are many of our gurus from various cultures, both past and current.

Fr. Richard Rohr says in this post titled, Gender, God and Spirituality, “…men start hard and get softer, whereas women start soft and get harder. It can often be a quite difficult dance of missteps, misinterpretation and mutual hurt until we meet somewhere in the middle.” He continues, “…calm and secure male and female identity is what makes mature partnership between males and females possible. Men and women are most alike at their most mature and soulful levels. Men and women are most different only at their most immature and merely physical levels.”

However, our conditioning starts from the time we were born! We now live in a world where those who are born with a male body is expected to live by certain norms and set of rules and vice versa. We lose our innocence, the very essential quality of being human, in that process. We fall prey to the notion that men should suppress their emotions and expressions because “men don’t cry” and those who do are “not man enough” and women should be marginalized and subjugated,  because “women are weak” and “should be subordinate to men”, etc. And those other beautiful souls who do not fall under the gender binaries are to be considered “mentally ill”, demeaned and disgraced, because some people simply refuse to understand life beyond binaries.

I remember watching an Indian English film Dance Like a Man; it’s a beautiful film, and the actress is one of my favourites. In the film, the father remarks that “a man in a woman’s body is progressive, while a woman in a man’s body is pathetic.” It is unfortunate that we, as a society, have reached at a point where being authentic and accepting of our sexuality, dressing stylishly than what the society expects us to, or being a male dancer, is regarded as pathetic, and a person’s strength is determined by their “manliness.” This societal idea of “norm” results in a narrow definition of what it means to be strong, which frequently ignores the various expressions of identity and our individuality and uniqueness.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I was never considered macho, I never want to either. It also meant that I had to deal with a lot of these kinds comments throughout my life. When I first started dancing, one of the comments I frequently received was, “Oh, males don’t dance, and those who do are usually gay!” Well, I have been dancing for over 25 years, and I am still not gay; I am very much pansexual.

My Search for Self-Acceptance and Harmony

What are we beyond our gender? According to the spiritual concept of a “self,” our true self has no gender and it is beyond any gender identifications, classes, and creeds, as stated in many ancient Hindu texts. The Self is a “sacred androgyny” that is always one with the Universe. The more we travel within, breaking free from social stigmas and “norms,” we enter a space where gender identifications and definitions are meaningless and is as fluid as water. And I truly believe that this is what humans are meant to be: fluid, like water.

Tao Te Ching says,

“Nothing is weaker than water,

But when it attacks something hard

Or resistant, then nothing withstands it,

And nothing will alter its way.”

Water does not resist; it simply flows wherever it wishes. When it encounters resistance, it ingeniously navigates around it and resumes its graceful flow. This innate fluidity reflects a divine state of Being because it is flexible, not binary. Just as water navigates obstacles, we can embody this fluidity in our lives, developing emotional maturity and growing personally and spiritually as we navigate the ebb and flow of life.

Bruce Lee puts it very beautifully, probably not in a similar context, but it is very meaningful about life as a whole. He says, “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water [emphasis added]. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend.”

In this beautiful poem written by a 10th Century poet, Devar Dasimayya, an ardent devotee of Shiva, the poet rejects all traditional dichotomies around gender, calling the differences between male and female are “superficial”.

“If they see

breasts and long hair coming

they call it woman,

if beard and whiskers

they call it man:

But, look, the self that hovers

in between

is neither man nor woman

O Ramanatha! (O Lord Shiva!)”

In another poem, Dasimayya asks,

“Suppose you cut a tall bamboo

in two;

make the bottom piece a woman,

the headpiece a man;

rub them together

till they kindle:

tell me now,

the fire that’s born,

is it male or female,

O Ramanatha? (O Lord Shiva?)”

Here, “tall bamboo” is our spine which is the primary energetic pathway of our soul. The base of spine is where Kundalini energy sits dormant. Spiritual seekers strive to awaken the Kundalini energy and guide it up the spine and through the sushumna to the crown chakra and beyond. During this profound journey within, the sacred marriage of our awareness and cosmic consciousness happens, resulting in a deep union of our individual self with universal energy – the god, or whatever you like to call it.

The “bamboo” here symbolises the duality of energies within us. The lower part is the feminine energy, Shakti or Kundalini, and the upper part represents the masculine energy, Shiva. When our feminine and masculine energies come together, they form a sacred union, harmonising the dual aspects of the femininity and masculinity within us. According to tantra, this union sparks a transformative “sacred fire,” resulting in a new radiant life within. This union of divine feminine and masculine energies leads us to a harmonious and balanced state of being.

Gender Fluidity and Ancient Culture

Gender fluidity is evident all over in ancient Indian culture, especially in Sanata Dharma (Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and the variants…) There are many stories of androgyny and sex change throughout some of these ancient texts.

Shiva and Shakti is one of the most beautiful examples. They’re two sides of the same coin, like the Yin and Yang, embracing each other, always being One with the Other, in such a way as inseparable as the heat and light of a flame. Shiva and Shakti can never exist as separate entities but merges with one another to be One , the Whole – the nameless, the formless, the inexpressible and the infinite being.

Ardhanarishvara – the primordial androgynous deity is one of the popular forms of Shiva and Shakti. It is believed that Ardhanarishvara was a single form, with right side being male and the left being female denoting the perfect union of masculine and feminine energies (Interestingly, males are more right brained and women are more left brained!). It was by Lord Brahma’s request that Ardhanarishvara form was divided into God and Goddess. This could be one of the first examples of duality and the differentiation of sex, and gender.

The story goes that Goddess decided to return to Ardhanarishvara following such differentiation, again merging into One, becoming timeless and formless, removing all dualities. According to Tantra, Shiva and Shakti (the Purusha and the Prakriti) embrace each other so closely that they cease to be separate. Such an experience takes our existence into a new level of awareness, symbolising an enraptured state of Oneness – One with ourSelf and One with the Universe!

Another story is of the union of Lord Shiva and Lord Vishnu in the form of Mohini. Lord Vishnu (male) took the form of Mohini (female), an enchantress who was approached by Lord Shiva and expressed his desire to unite with her. It is believed that the sap that was spilled out of their union became river Ganges and a son named Hari Hara Putra (Swami Ayyappan) was born.

There are numerous examples from the Mahabharata, Ramayana, and the Puranas that show genderfluidity and how embracing and finding a union between both our masculine and feminine energies propels our spiritual journey.

Final Thoughts

All of us have this deep desire to realize our innate need for the ecstatic dimension of life and our being. It is time we stopped neglecting our internal forces – “the inner man” and “the inner woman”. The union of both can make even the mundane things in life colorful and vibrant. To be whole with oneself, we need to transcend the rigidity of gender binaries and embrace our innate fluidity. That is what makes us human, to be fluid, and to experience the sacred androgyny within.

By doing so, we allow the Ardhanarishwara within us to express itself, transcending all dualities and existing in perfect harmony with ourselves. This holistic union of our inner energies not only enriches our individual experiences but also enables us to form incredible relationships, friendships, and connections based on authenticity, vulnerability, and a shared sense of humanity.

I shall conclude this with a quote from Osho:

“My whole effort is to bring your unconscious nearer to your conscious. You become so much acquainted with it so that it is not unknown….Allow your whole being to come into function. Your emotions are imprisoned, encapsulated. Your body movements are imprisoned. Your body, your heart, have become just as if they are not part of you. You simply carry them along like a burden. Allow your emotions full play…enjoy the play, because [only then] many new things will be revealed to you.”