Monogamy never made sense to me, even from a young age. While I discovered the vocabulary to express my feelings about love and relationships much later in life, it always felt natural to love more than one person, both romantically and platonically. Thinking beyond monogamy has opened up a world of new possibilities for me, albeit it has been extremely challenging. It can be daunting to defy societal “norms” and follow what feels authentic. But, beyond the potential for more love and sex, and for some, making a political statement against patriarchy, are there other benefits to being ethically non-monogamous/polyamorous?
This topic has been on my mind for quite some time, and I genuinely believe that polyamory offers significant opportunities for spiritual growth, as it has for me. It may sound totally unconventional, but in this post, I hope to explore the spiritual aspect and how it has helped my personal growth through my experiences and reflections. I hope it piques your interest.
(This is definitely not a monogamy-bashing post; rather, it is simply me rambling about polyamory and spirituality; please take what resonates with you and leave the rest. <3)
Self Acceptance
This happened in the early ’90s. I remember being 8 years old and having crushes on both boys and girls. One particular incident still makes me giggle. There was a boy who sat beside me and a girl sat across from me in my class. I had a huge crush on them both. You know, the kind of feelings that give you butterflies in your stomach? I still feel that way when I think of those days. I used to write love letters to them in my notebook – well, of course, nobody saw them. One day, I told my grandmother that I wanted to marry them both. She hugged me, smiling and said, “Of course, you can marry both of them when you grow up.” That is probably where my journey into polyamory began, and I am eternally grateful to my grandma for not crushing my innocence.
It felt natural, as if my younger self intuitively knew we could love more than one person. I believed everyone saw the world through the same lens. Lacking the words to express my feelings and assuming others felt the same led to a lot of rejection and ridicule as I grew up. I didn’t have any real friends until my 20s, and of course, everyone thought I was weird. Eventually, I started to believe them, and to make myself feel slightly better, I started jokingly introducing myself as the “weirdo” for a long time, until I realised that there is no weirdness in life, but only our pure, authentic life.
However, deep down, I knew I was simply being true to myself. Recognizing my truth and accepting myself as I came into this world, despite the ridicule from everyone around me, broadened my perspective and self-awareness. It inspired self-kindness and reflection, leading to greater self-awareness and acceptance – it was a spiritual journey, a journey within.
As I got to know myself better, I began to see the world differently than those around me. Achieving that level of self-acceptance brought me inner peace and self-awareness, even though I knew I would always be the odd one out in this world.
Authenticity is one of the most attractive qualities in a person! As Brené Brown beautifully puts it in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are…”
For some of us, being polyamorous isn’t a choice; it’s who we truly are. Personally, being poly doesn’t always mean having multiple partners all the time; it means knowing I have the freedom to do so when I develop feelings for someone new, which is incredibly liberating! It also allows me to express myself authentically with platonic friends, giving me countless ways to share and express my affection.
Personal Growth
Having an open and receptive mind and being fluid in how I express my love allows me to see and experience the world more expansively. It is about far more than just having more physical and sexual encounters; my entire life began to transform. I reclaim my agency, embrace my uniqueness, and form deeper, more meaningful emotional connections with incredible people while feeling supported and loved.
Being true to myself helped me form incredible friendships and relationships that have stood the test of time, providing a sense of liberation, inner peace, transformation and growth. I suppose when you remain open to new experiences and receptive to new experiences, you become like water, adapting and growing along the way.
Each intimate connection presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth. If your partner starts dating someone new, you might experience jealousy and insecurity, which is completely normal. You can either confront your jealousy and insecurities or blame your partner. The second option is unlikely to help and will most likely harm your relationship. As a result, we learn to communicate more effectively and to be humble enough to work through issues, putting our egos aside and finding solutions that work for everyone, rather than allowing resentment to fester and destroy our relationships and peace of mind. This process is a significant part of personal growth, and being polyamorous constantly challenges me to navigate these situations.
Being poly, I frequently find myself in situations that push me to pursue personal growth and self-improvement, not only for the benefit of my partners, but also for my own. Confronting and managing feelings of jealousy and insecurity is an internal journey that requires us to identify our triggers, confront them head on, and cultivate a sense of security within ourselves. When we are secure, external factors have little ability to provoke those emotions.
Embracing my authenticity has helped me attract what is truly best for me while letting go of everything else. Living authentically allows our actions to reflect who we truly are, guided by our inner wisdom, values, and beliefs. This definitely leads to greater self-awareness and spiritual growth, aligning us closer with our true nature.
Starving The Ego and Feeding The Soul
Being poly allows me to experience love and intimacy in a variety of ways that enrich my life with more than one person, forming deep emotional connections, having meaningful conversations, and sharing our stories from a place of vulnerability, care, and mutual appreciation. I thrive on such mutually enriching connections and it always reminds me of our endless capacity to love and be loved. When we recognize our diverse needs – whether spiritual, physical, emotional, or social – we realise that no one person can meet them all. While my partner is incredible, and I consider myself extremely fortunate to share my life with them, acknowledging that we all have unique needs that require different sources of support and fulfillment to make us feel alive and thrive in life, allows us to give more to each other and be more incredible together.
After all, sexuality and intimacy are gifts to mankind. They allow us to express our love and care for those to whom we feel deeply connected in the most vulnerable and profound ways. When we share our intimate experiences with one another, we enrich our lives by nurturing not only our romantic relationships but also all other aspects of our lives because we feel cared and loved, giving us immense confidence and strength to face all of life’s challenges.
Shedding any shame about my sexuality has allowed me to be completely honest with those I care about. Do we really need to be concerned when people question our character and integrity based on how many people we love and have sex with? I don’t think so. It’s a shame that we can’t express our most intimate and vulnerable feelings for someone we deeply connect with simply because society says it’s not “normal” to love more than one person.
Polyamory allows me to expand my consciousness and think outside the box. This greater self-awareness helps me better understand and respect my own needs, boundaries, and the resources I can share with those I care about. This increased self-awareness allows me to navigate relationships with a better understanding of myself and others, creating a space of honesty, respect, and mutual growth.
This lifestyle choice also challenges my ego, cultivating self-compassion, while honoring my needs with care, honesty, and self-love. Embracing this sense of freedom and fluidity opens up a world of possibilities, allowing me to meet incredible people, and revel in the company of others, regardless of what form and shape each connection takes. This expansion of life itself represents spiritual growth, infusing each day with aliveness, and recognizing love as an endless, transformative force that inspires reflection, growth, and spiritual development.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the spiritual aspects of ethical non-monogamy/ polyamory. How have your experiences with love, relationships, and spirituality influenced your personal growth? Please feel free to share in the comment section below.
