Jealousy is a common human emotion, but many people in ethically non-monogamous relationships feel that they should not feel jealous at all. I have heard some of my poly friends mentioning how they even feel guilty for being jealous when their partner is out with someone else or in similar situations. Yes, I guess, it can sometimes be more difficult to manage jealousy in non-monogamous relationships than in monogamous relationships.
In her book “Mating in Captivity“, renowned psychotherapist and author Esther Perel (I love her!) writes, “Jealousy is a powerful reminder of our vulnerability to loss and abandonment.” So, in this post, I’d like to share some mindful techniques for ethically non-monogamous partners to navigate and manage jealousy in their relationships that I find effective.
Unlike what we often hear from what I refer to as the poly police (those poly folks who feel they are more poly than others for whatever reasons!), jealousy is not always a negative thing. It is a natural human emotion shared by nearly everyone. Jealousy can become far more complicated in non-monogamous relationships because it affects multiple people. When I say non-monogamy, what I mean here is ethical non-monogamy, such as polyamory (poly). When your partner is jealous, it could mostly indicate that they genuinely care about you and the relationship. However, it is important that we manage jealousy properly; otherwise, it can cause feelings of insecurity, resentment, and even the breakdown of our relationships.
Jealousy often stems from our deepest fears – fear of abandonment, emotional pain, and even loneliness. Contrary to popular belief, those in non-monogamous relationships might experience jealousy in a more amplified and complex manner. I feel understanding why we feel jealous is the first step in managing these emotions.
In his book “Conscious Relationships: The Art of Bringing Awareness to Intimacy & Sexuality“, Raffaello Manacorda examines how jealousy reveals our self-centeredness, putting our own needs ahead of our partners’. This contradiction calls into question the romantic ideal of mutual happiness. But is jealousy inherently evil or shows you are less poly than others? I don’t think so. We are complex beings, while we crave for more love and life, that doesn’t in anyway mean that we shouldn’t feel jealous. We aren’t robots; in fact, some of us are deeply emotional beings, and jealousy is just another emotion when we learn to manage it well.
Can mindfulness help us overcome jealousy? Here are a few suggestions to help you:
Understand Your Triggers
The first step in overcoming jealousy is to identify your triggers. Which situations, people, or behaviours make you jealous? Is it when your partner spends time with someone else? Is it when your partner talks about their other partners with you? Is it because you’re worried about your partner leaving you? Understanding your triggers can help you prepare for situations that may cause jealousy while also providing insight into why you are feeling this way.
For example, let’s say that your partner spends more time with one of their other partners (metamours) than they do with you. Sometimes without even you realising, you start feeling tightness in your chest, racing thoughts and an eventual desire to tell your partner to not see their metamour. Sometimes you even end up bringing up totally unrelated things, causing an argument. You may even think that you are not doing anything wrong at all and wonder, why can’t they spend more time with you instead. Let’s not go into whether you feeling this way is right or wrong, that is not the intention of this post.
In the past, I too have felt that way, especially when my partner went out with someone else who I didn’t particularly liked, and when I had no plans or when my plans fell through, and I felt just very lonely at times.
The first and most important step is to identify what makes you jealous. When you do this, you gain a lot of power and control over your jealousy, and it allows you to communicate with your partner more effectively and empathically. This provides you both with an opportunity to team up and find solutions that could benefit both of you. It might involve scheduling more quality time with your partner or looking into ways to improve the quality of time you spend together. However, it is important to remember that blaming one another is not a viable solution.
Communicate with Your Partner
It is important to have open and respectful conversations with your partner about your emotions and feelings. Sometimes all you need is reassurance from your partner about the relationship. Perhaps you need more quality time together, or you need something specific, such as receiving a sweet text message during the day to let you know they are thinking of you. Your partner will only be able to better understand and support you when you express your feelings and needs honestly.
However, it’s important to own your feelings. As explained in the book The Ethical Slut, we need to acknowledge that no one can make us jealous or insecure. Jealousy is an internal response. By owning our emotions, we reclaim our ability to choose how we respond to them. Blaming our partner for our jealousy gives away power, resulting in missed opportunities for new learning and growth. One of the most amazing aspects of polyamorous relationships is the abundance of opportunities for personal development and new experiences.
Practice Self-Care
Dealing with jealousy requires a lot of self-care and compassion. It’s normal to feel like we’re to blame or guilty for feeling jealous, especially when other people in polyamorous relationships make it seem like we shouldn’t feel that way at all. We’re not robots, and we’re definitely not here to police anyone’s poly lifestyle, every person does poly relationships differently. That being said, perhaps we can refocus our attention and energy on something else that brings us joy. For example, you could go for a run, hang out with friends, check out a new café, watch a movie, or do anything else you enjoy.
For example, I used to go for runs or check out new cafes. And I love going to the cinema alone. I also have been lucky to have incredible friends who are queer and awesome. None of these are avoidance strategies, it’s about staying occupied so you don’t feel bored or lonely.
Think about the last time you felt jealous, and imagine what you could have done differently to help you stay grounded while also showing self-compassion, self love, and respect and care for your partners as well.
You have to find things you enjoy doing outside of your relationships. Make some good friends who you can be yourself with. Find poly communities. If you are queer, check out local queer events ( ;)I am being so biased here because I LOVE queer spaces!)
I believe that having platonic friends who understand your relationship style can be extremely helpful. These friends can help you manage your emotions and gain new perspective. Navigating non-monogamy can be difficult, so having supportive friends who understand and accept you can be extremely beneficial!
Develop More Self-Awareness
Mindfulness and meditation can be extremely beneficial in overcoming jealousy. Mindfulness techniques help you tap into your own emotions and be aware of what is happening in your inner world. Only when you actually know what is happening within, you can do something about it. Most often times, we just get carried away by our thoughts and react to things rather than acting from a space of awareness.
As your self-awareness grows, you’ll be able to exactly pinpoint the source of your jealousy and come up with effective coping strategies. For example, you may notice that certain situations or your partner’s actions make you feel jealous (not saying those are the actual reason, we are coming to that later). Self-awareness helps you to step back and understand why you are feeling the way you do. This self-awareness grants you significant power. You can now have open conversations with your partner and express how you feel without placing blame. It is about being vulnerable and open. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, your partner can truly hear and connect with you. When you start blaming, you shut yourself off, because you are subconsciously giving up your power and allowing someone to make you feel certain way, making it hard for your partner to truly connect with you. This leads to a cycle where nothing changes, and the same patterns repeat. Your partner can’t help you if they don’t understand why you’re feeling the way you feel and what kind of support you need.
Nobody likes to be blamed, even if they are at fault. And definitely your partner wouldn’t want to be blamed either. Making a slight shift in the way we communicate can bring about significant changes. For example, if your partner frequently checks her phone while you are speaking to her, instead of saying, “you never listen to me…”, you could try, “when you look at your phone as I speak, I feel hurt, ignored and alone…” – this shows how you feel, your emotions and your vulnerability.
When you own your emotions, it can be extremely transformative. You’re no longer just learning to manage your emotions; you’re also actively seeking help and collaborating with your partner to find solutions that work for both of you. This approach brings you and your partners closer together and creates new possibilities for growth and connection. This, to me, is what polyamory truly means: finding more emotional support, continuous personal growth, more love and life, and feeling fully alive.
I would love to hear what you do to deal with jealousy and what works for you in the comments section below!