“The Ethical Slut” transports you to a world where traditional ideas about love and relationships are challenged, and love and intimacy are redefined. “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love” is like a beginner’s guide to non-monogamous relationships. This is book is one of my favorites and is a must-read for anyone who wish to improve their relationships, whether you’re looking to open up your existing relationships or you are a serial monogamist. It was written by experienced polyamorous activists and sex educators Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
When I first discovered this book in 2011, one of my female friends laughed in judgement because of the provocative title. Interestingly, it was recommended to me by another female friend I had met through a Facebook group.
In 2011, I first came across this book and excitedly went to Kinokuniya with a female friend to buy it. As I picked up the book, I couldn’t help but notice her judgmental look upon seeing the title! Interestingly, it was recommended to me by another female friend I had met through a Facebook group around the same time.
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The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
The classic guide to love, sex, and intimacy beyond the limits of conventional monogamy has been fully updated to reflect today’s modern attitudes and the latest information on nontraditional relationships.
“One of the most useful relationship books you could ever read, no matter what your lifestyle choices. It’s chock-full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity.”–Annie Sprinkle, PhD, sexologist and author of Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex
So, What is This Book About?
“The Ethical Slut” is more than just a guide to open relationships; it’s a book full of useful advice and invaluable insights into personal development. This book is for everyone, whether you’re thinking about opening up your relationship, are a serial monogamist, or are simply curious about different types of relationships. The book challenges our preconceived notions about love, relationships and life in general, broadens our perspectives, and helps us in developing healthy and fulfilling relationships.
The book’s main theme revolves around ethical communication, consent, shedding shame about sexuality, pleasure, and how one can develop healthy practices that can be used in their relationships. The authors discuss many ethical approaches to developing open relationships and how to tailor them to each person’s unique needs and preferences. They also discuss the complexities and challenges of having multiple partners, offering numerous strategies for cultivating healthy and consensual relationships.
Easton and Hardy boldly confront social norms and stereotypes about nonmonogamy, considering it was first published in 1997. They lead readers on a thought-provoking journey to better understand sexual freedom, encouraging them to challenge societal expectations and ideas about relationships, love, and sexuality, among other things. The book offers a new perspective that will lead you to reconsider your preconceived notions about love, relationships, and sexuality. It covers topics like the abundance of love, how to develop “slut skills,” safe sex, setting boundaries, and even the concept of “unethical sluts.”
I’ve personally experienced a great deal of shame and guilt about my sexuality and how I approached relationships. From a young age, I was drawn to people of all genders. I used to think that everyone saw the world the same way I did. As I grew older, I realised how different I was from my friends, which resulted in a lot of shaming and such. It was extremely difficult to find friends who shared the same beliefs regarding sexuality and relationships, and it made me feel like an outlier. I’m sure that many of us have gone through similar situations. Non-monogamy does not always fit into the traditional life narrative, which is often based on a linear progression of birth, education, career, marriage, children, and death. I carried this shame with me for a long time, but this book has truly helped me accept myself in many ways.
A substantial portion of the book is dedicated to addressing the shame associated with our sexuality and sexual expressions. The moment we hear the word “slut,” we immediately tend to pass judgement. Personally, I found the authors’ definition of a ‘ethical slut as someone who bravely pursues their desires and openly expresses their sexuality in a way that feels authentic to them’ to be extremely empowering.
I particularly liked how this book deals with jealousy in relationships which I found very insightful (I wrote a separate post about dealing with jealousy in poly relationships, which you can read here). According to the authors, only you can make yourself jealous or insecure. When you blame your partners for making you jealous, you are surrendering the control over your own emotions and your ability to manage those emotions. It doesn’t help anyone, except that you end up not finding any solutions to these issues at all. Because if it’s someone else’s fault that you’re jealous, what can you do? So, the authors encourage us to own our feelings and emotions because doing so empowers us and allows us to figure out the triggers, discuss it with our partners, and come up with a mutually beneficial solution.
The authors discuss the value of being vulnerable with our partners, emphasising how it can lead to deeply bonding experiences. They emphasise that everyone is seeking validation and acceptance, and if not from anyone else, we need that from our partners. You’ll find such nuggets of wisdom throughout the book, which I find extremely empowering.
Apart from all these, this book is very inclusive of all genders and relationship types, not just ethical non-monogamy. It also included some notes on navigating kinky relationships as well.
The inclusion of real-life stories and narratives from people of diverse backgrounds who practise polyamory and other forms of open relationships enhances the book’s authenticity. These stories are an invaluable resource for those who are new to open relationships because they provide reassurance about how these relationships work in real life, how others practise them, what worked for them, what didn’t, and so on. These personal stories have helped me immensely, and it gave me a sense of belonging at a time when my knowledge and vocabulary on these subjects were limited.
I strongly recommend you to read The Ethical Slut, especially if you are interested in any type of open relationships. I would like to think that this book is not only for non-monogamous people, but also for anyone who is interested in learning about various types of relationships, personal development, dealing with emotions, and overall relationship improvement. It teaches readers how to accept their own wholesomeness and vulnerability, as well as how to overcome feelings of shame and guilt about their sexuality. The book encourages us to pursue love and life in an ethical and healthy way while remaining true to ourselves, ultimately embracing the concept of being an ethical slut!
